Hollywood, time for a round of “Don’t Remake This, Remake That!”

Whether from lousy acting, grand ideas not being able to be fully realized with the existing technology at the time or just a disastrous take on an idea there’s no denying that there are some films that warrant remakes.

I Know What You Did Last Summer posterUnfortunately, Hollywood execs seem bent on remaking pretty much anything. While “Vacation,” the “National Lampoon’s Vacation,” reboot starring Ed Helms, Christina Applegate, Leslie Mann and Charlie Day doesn’t sound like a truly terrible idea, did anyone find the Chevy Chase/Beverly D’Angelo editions lacking in some manner and begging for a do-over? Just this week, two new remakes have been announced — “Ben-Hur” and “I Know what You Did Last Summer” — and both are completely unnecessary as there’s no good reason to tinker with either.

So I’ve decided to take it upon myself to give Hollywood some guidance by warding off some untouchable films some genius exec thinks needs a remake and offer up a replacement that would actually benefit from the Remake Touch in a little segment I’m calling “Don’t Remake That! Remake This Instead!”

Princess-BrideDon’t Remake “The Princess Bride!” This adored 1987 Rob Reiner film is timeless, classic and should absolutely never be considered in need of a modern update. But it’s precisely for its beloved status with audiences, that I’m worried some exec will try to spin a remake of the adventures of Wesley, Buttercup, Inigo Montoya and Fezzik. Trying to top this? Inconceivable!

krull 1Remake “Krull” Instead! Krull is an awesome fantasy movie. It’s got a great story, a solid quest, cool characters, a frightening bad guy and a wicked weapon in the Glaive, but this 1983 adventure definitely shows its age.

Glossed up with a modern 2014-era CGI sprucing up and this is one remake most guys raised during the 80s would be eagerly awaiting to see return to theaters.

scream-ghostfaceDon’t Remake “Scream”! A group of teens who know all about the standard horror movie cliches are preyed upon by a killer who uses the same rules to kill his victims.

This Wes Craven/Kevin Williamson 1996 horror film was the originator of the next decade of cynical, self-aware teen slasher movies, but still holds up remarkably well due to its well-cast ensemble, excellent script with an actual compelling whodunit mystery and unpredictable twist. Besides, “Scream 4” was essentially the remake to “Scream” anyway.

The FacultyRemake “The Faculty” Instead! This 1998 horror film starred Josh Hartnett, Jordana Brewster, Clea DuVall, Elijah Wood and Usher has a solid premise of high school students suspecting their teachers are actually aliens needed a director with a more subtle edge than Robert Rodriguez. And a film that calls for a blending of various high school class factions to unite for a common cause

raiders of the lost arkDon’t Remake “Raiders of the Lost Ark!” It seems so easy to just throw someone else in that fedora, give them a whip and call them “Indy,” but ladies and gentlemen of Hollywood — there is only one Indiana Jones and his name is Harrison Ford. Trying to force anyone else (yes, even the inspired rumor of Chris Pratt) into that role is just setting them up for failure.

Romancing the StoneRemake “Romancing the Stone” Instead! Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner starred in this action/adventure with a hero who was pretty similar to Indy anyway. For fun, switch the roles up and have an Ed Helms, Jason Sudeikis or Charlie Day play the writer trying to meet the ransom for their kidnapped sister and have a Jennifer Lawrence or Scarlett Johansson be the reckless mercenary.

ghostbustersDon’t Remake “Ghostbusters!” There’s so much demand for this, but a remake would just come up short in every possible way matched up against the 1984 original. That film had such perfect synergy with the main cast, the theme and the catchy soundtrack that trying to recapture that lightning in a bottle just can’t possibly succeed.

darlanne-sybil-battle-beyond-the-stars-1Remake “Battle Beyond the Stars” Instead! This 1980s sci-fi film is a guilty pleasure, but there’s no denying its attempt to duplicate the success of George Lucas’ “Star Wars” right down to the main hero being a farmer (Richard Thomas) and a vest-wearing, wise-cracking mercenary ally (George Peppard). On the other hand, “Stars” did beat “Star Wars” on sexing up its princess and with CGI advances now, this sci-fi saga could get the hi-tech look it deserves.

So what do you think? I’d love to hear your suggestions as well.

  • Excellent post. You’ve made some great suggestions. I’ll have to put my thinking cap on before I suggest some of my own. I will say this: I don’t think anyone is trying to top the originala of Ggostbusters, Ben-Hur, and Raiders of the Lost Ark. They’re just trying to rake in as much money as they can from familiar properties. I mean a Ghost busters remake could be terrible and still pull in half a billion dollars at the box office. An update on Battle Beyond the Stars? Not so much unless it were just flat out awesome.

  • Thanks Wendell!

    Love to hear your suggestions! 🙂

    Yeah, I just hate that lazy mindset of ruining a good franchise’s name for some more money. I’m serious though. I’d LOVE to see “Battle Beyond the Stars” remade!

  • keith

    I’m dying for a reboot of the program since football on all levels is now cnn news..ice pirates after gotg success. .The inkwell (got to throw a black film in there). …beast master he man? And yes. Hell no to ghostbusters. I’m not ready for Melissa mcarry playing the roll of bill murray. Plus a line of hers in the heat passed me off. Take a guess which one jeff

  • Pierre Mooney

    Sorry I guess am just not the remake kind of guy. I feel about them the way I sequels. But that is just me, because once I have seen the story I do not enjoy seeing it again. That is why I do not really want to purchase DVDs. I do it here in Vietnam, as I want to see films that are not shown here in theaters and I do not want for them the hit Cable. Plus, they are so cheap – less than a dollar. I would say may be a film made many years ago would be OK. Sometimes I really in enjoy films from the 40s and 50s many of which I have forgotten. I guess I am against remaking a film too soon.

  • “The Program” would be a pretty interesting one. Good call.
    Man, I’d love to see “Ice Pirates!”

    McCarthy is thisclose to being overexposed. While she could do the Murray role I’d just as soon someone else get a shot if they’re so determined to go that route.

  • I’m largely the same way Pierre. I don’t need the films remade, but if Hollywood HAS to remake something, these would benefit from the advances in technology.

    What’s your thoughts on the “Ben-Hur” remake?

  • keith

    If noah can be made, ben hur can remade. Cast ol boy from john carter and let him redeem himself. he needs a hit. and if they have any token black gladitors.. idris elba. bam.. its a hit. hell we could work in hollywood. i wonder if meetings go like this with a pound of smack.,, smh

  • keith

    another one that i wonder if it could work… in some format. which way is up… so bizarre yet profound. Im sure you can sub out some of the migrant worker stuff for another rags to success story. and of course you play of the crooked preacher angle more. honestly this would be great for a martin lawrence comeback if dropped about 15 pounds. he kind of chubby right now. But let that crybaby mike epps get it. he been wanting to be pryor for so long, i say let him cut his teeth on this movie. Or redo busting loose. I mean they tried with badnews bears, i think you can redo busting loose.

  • Yeah, but Noah was a terrible, terrible idea.

    It certainly doesn’t sound all that difficult, does it? 😉

  • Busting Loose would be pretty fun. I’d be up for a new take on that.

  • Pierre Mooney

    Yeah I was hoping you might ask about that, I saw something about that possibility. BEN HURR fits my criteria. It has been a long time – 50s – I have about forgotten the story. I am sure new technology can do wonders with it. If I remember it was a good story with lots of twists and turns. I look forward to it. It was as they say epic.

  • But is there anyone who could rival Charlton Heston in your mind?

  • Pierre Mooney

    It makes no difference to me as I was never a Charton Heston fan. I was fascinated by the story and the epic of it. Charton Heston just never did it for me. His portrayal was memorable to me in any case.

  • Ah I gotcha. So you really wouldn’t mind too much then. Always thought Heston was the driving force of that one and would be hard to top.

  • Pierre Mooney

    Yeah Charton never did it for me until “SOLVENT GREEN” and “PLANET OF THE APES”. Of course those were good stories too. He was just lucky to be in them if you ask me. His roles in them put his ego under control, if you know what I mean. Ask Michael Moore about him and I think you will see where I am coming from better.

  • Ah. Nothing can turn me off from an actor than an out of control ego.

  • Pierre Mooney

    Yeah he was the NRA spokesman for years and it’s PRESIDENT. I always felt he was mostly an ANGLO-AMERICAN. Not really a true AMERICAN if you know what I mean. You have to be inclusive to a real AMERICAN in definition. Of course he was man of his times or he would not have gotten to where he was back then. Kissing that Sister in SOLVENT GREEN was the highlight of his career in my book. He was right there with Tom Jefferson in my book.

  • That’s right. Forgot about his tenure with the NRA!

    What’re some of the actors you did like from that timeframe?

  • Pierre Mooney

    Oh the 50s and early 60s. Of course John Wayne who may have benefited from the John Ford films like FORT APACHE AND RIO BROVO. Gregory Peck and that may be for the great movies he was in too – like MOBY DICK, TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD and THE MAN IN THE GREYFANNEL SUIT. My favorite was an Actor we did not see much of Woody Strode. He was one of the first football players to do movies even before Jim Brown. Woody Strode had something that made you want to see him. To be truthful I thought he was Chuck Berry when I saw him, as he looked so much like him. He was part American Indian. But Woody Strode was cool and was a true action movie hero. He was the best the rest came on the scene. He just stood out and we never got to see enough of him.

  • I was always under the impression that Wayne was much worse in terms of his mindset on blacks?

    I need to do my movie research and check out more Woody Strode films. What would you recommend?

  • Pierre Mooney

    But he was John Wayne. (Smile). Well, I have not seen anything much about that aspect of him. I know people did not like him being for the Vietnam War. I volunteered to go in the Army so I can not complain about Marion (his real name). Just “Google” Woody Strode and you will be amazed at his life. He was an Olympian, went college with Jackie Robinson, married a Hawian Princess, one of the BLACKS men to play in the NFL, was John Ford’s best friend and much more. Let me know what you think after you read up on him.